So, I haven’t blogged much lately and I’ve had so many people who have asked what’s been going on. Nothing. Which is why I haven’t blogged. My life started to get scary normal and I lost the inspiration to write. Well, just when I thought I’d never encounter the craziness again, everything went back to being weird.

Let’s start with the fact that I am currently trapped in my bedroom. We have some family visiting and God bless them, I love them, but I cannot handle being asked one more time in my life “How many boyfriends you got now?” or “Do you have a job yet?” If that makes me a rude family member, then today I’m okay with that. But honestly, I can hear people whistling for my dead dog. My parents explained the dog was dead. I overheard the conversation. Why then are people whistling for her? Exactly…and that’s why I’m not leaving my room.

The reason this is most uncomfortable is because I have to use the bathroom like you would not believe. Two Coke Zeros down and I’m about to explode.  I’ve considered jumping out of my window and if it wasn’t for the fact that the hedges haven’t been trimmed, I would’ve already made my escape. I have to leave at 2:00 &  I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire, but the way this is currently going, I may have already died by then anyway

I am usually a family oriented person. I love big family gatherings and hanging out with the people who share my DNA, but in this scenario… it’s hard to converse with people you never see, who still think your name is Ashley or who spend an hour talking about how tall you’ve gotten (even though you stopped growing four years ago). Let me clarify, these aren’t those close family members you’ve spent your life with.. they’re the distant ones who make you nervous and paranoid about ever letting your future mate meet them or who still buy you Candyland for a Christmas present. They’re the ones who even though they ask you when you’re bringing home a guy, still think you believe the opposite gender has cooties. It’s all very strange.

Family. Whether they are directing traffic on main street or tugging your cheeks and giving you packs of stale chewing gum; you’re stuck with them.. or in my case; stuck hiding from them.

If ever there has been a crazy week, it was this one. It started by being hit with a wrecking ball and flowed into a day of sun at the lake with one of my best friends. Despite the fact that I got severely sunburned, I had one of the most relaxing and fun days I’ve ever had. (We also learned that apparently the only difference between catholics and presbyterians is the wives and that women are the only reason for protestants.) As you can imagine, we felt surprised at such information. We also had the pleasure of listening to a group of people yell at Leon the dog for an hour and watch them all share the SAME fork with one another and Leon. Needless to say it was disturbing.

Despite all of that, I’ve found that as the week has come to a close that I feel as if I’m a completely different person today than I was when the week began. A bit stronger, a lot wiser and finally walking a path that I have diligently searched for over the past several years. I am thankful that the days I have spent so long praying for are finally upon me.

There’s a grace on me now that I’ve never experienced and I am excited to see what’s ahead. As Robert Frost once said,

“Two roads diverged in a wood; I took the one less traveled and that has made all the difference.”

This week, my life has been changed and the choices I made really did make all the difference.

“I love the things that, without explanation, you know in your gut and feel in your bones.”

I tweeted that today and found that it’s one of those statements that sticks with you. I am always asking for answers, always asking for some kind of explanation or profound wisdom to fall upon me. I find now that my favorite things are the ones are the silent knowings, the things that words cannot confirm or deny. They just are.

I went on a drive today. Maybe I went because I was bored or because I needed some fresh air. I was waiting on a moment. I figured that moment would come when reality would hit me and I would begin to doubt everything. I waited to see if fear was going to rear its ugly head and taunt me with the temptation to give up on all that I feel in my gut, the things I can’t see, but know in my heart to be true.

That moment never came. As I released control, stopped looking for a way out, and decided to embrace the whispers that burrowed themselves deep into my soul, I found a freedom I’ve been waiting for. Rather than fear, it was perfect peace that found its way to the surface.

I think I’ve been more afraid to believe than to not. That’s the thing about belief, while we are taught it is foolish and immature, I find that to be impossible. For belief is much harder than doubt. Belief requires a certain amount of joy; in true belief, it is nearly impossible to be in despair for very long. Because belief, faith, has an incomparable ability to weave itself through your heart, emotions, and perception to where everything appears brighter. You cannot look at the world through a lens of confident faith and it not carry a life changing joy. True faith, that pleases God, is the kind that is certain of his existence and is positive that because He lives and lives joyfully that He fights to give that same kind of life to those He loves.

If words of explanation find me, I will gladly welcome them. If I find answers, I will be sure to write them down. But for now, I am perfectly content with knowing, believing and soaking in the profound silent assurance that stirs in me right now.

Oh, the irony of my life. My blog is titled “Interrupted Life” and how my life was interrupted dramatically yesterday. Here it is, the long awaited and highly anticipated blog post that may make some laugh and others say things like “I thought I knew her, but she’s much crazier than I ever thought.”

So, there I am, drinking my coffee and waiting on two friends to get back to the table when suddenly the Heavens opened up. I saw a light come from the clouds and I heard the Hallelujah chorus descend from above the restaurant. I found myself literally speechless and then suddenly I began bouncing up and down like a small child on Christmas morning. No, but really, there are pictures to prove it.

Most people tell me that when it comes to relationships or marriage that I appear to be “cool as a cucumber”. I’m not sure if that’s just the mercy of God covering me or if people just think I’m a lot more Jesus-like than I actually am. Granted, I did not ever reach that thirteen year old girl stage where I gawked over Backstreet Boys posters on my wall. I never had a desire to get together with my friends and have “lets talk about boys” sleepovers. I did attend many, but most were spent with me staring at the wall and kicking myself for missing that evening’s episode of The O’Reilly Factor. (Really, that’s true). But I was just not “that girl”. Of course, at some point I knew I would want to get married, have children, all of that fun and exciting stuff, but growing up… my priorities in life were polar opposite to Cinderella. I was like, get me out of fairytale land and let me climb trees, play T-ball and run for President.

All of that to say, yesterday’s events caused a shift in the universe. The world may have possibly slipped from it’s axis. I’m never one for being starstruck, but it all changed yesterday. The Brad Pitt of my life, who is actually an amiable human being who lives in the area, but whom I’ve never actually met, sat down across from me and my group of friends at the restaurant. Now, at the risk of appearing like a crazed stalker, I will admit to you that something came over me and I began to freak out like the thirteen year old girl I never was. I was literally bouncing and screaming “JESUS IS ON MY SIDE! HE HAS HEARD MY CRY! PEOPLE NEED TO START INTERCEDING!” While it should’ve been one of those moments where my friends judged me and called the local authorities, they only laughed and nodded. They understood something, I think, that I am just now in these past few months coming to terms with.

Dreaming. While it is often seen as weakness and a sign of immaturity, I firmly believe that is only a lying mask placed over what actually is. In reality, dreams are partly a creation of grace and blessing designed in our mind, by the Father, to show us that He is far greater than what we’ve known and what the world has placed before us. We are free to believe and stand on the assurance that there is something greater meant for those who know the King of Impossibility.It is a wink, a sign of affection to say, “I know you” and “I know even the little things you hope for.”

So, while I think that this fine man probably heard my wild praises shouted up toward Heaven and most likely knew we were talking about him, I found myself greeted by a precious smile. And while in that moment, I wish I could say I was graceful and we had a true “moment”, I actually looked like a constipated toddler who had just been handed a shiny new toy. It was an awkward face mixed with a sad and precious look of excitement. The moment when dreaming collided with the world’s reality and I found myself feeling disoriented. The whole experience, while it makes everyone who hears it cry from laughter, makes me laugh and yet think about things outside of my previous thought patterns:

a) I am much weirder than I ever knew.

b) Dreams that are tainted with the world’s reality often make us appear constipated

c) Good friends are those who don’t judge you when you are shrieking like you just won the lottery over a Jesus-loving, lumber jack looking man whom you think is probably cooler than Anderson Cooper. (Okay, that may be stretching it, just a little)

d) The Father delights in my silliness and it’s okay that I do too.

All of that to say, over the past few weeks, God has taught me a lot about being comfortable with my heart, my dreams, my desires. SO, there it is. I know that there are a lot of people who read this blog, many who are over the age of forty and will probably think I’ve completely lost my marbles. I’m throwing out the idea of child-like living. While there is certainly an importance in maturity, in growth in our spiritual walks and in learning to deal with the hard things…even at sixty, I want to be someone who can bounce, shriek and blog about the things I desire and be confident that the Lord loves it. He loves child-like faith that says there is something out of my reach, but my Daddy is big enough and loving enough to get it for me. SO, while unfortunately, the lumber jack man may not be the man in my future, it opens my eyes to the fact that whatever the future holds in regards to family or dreams like traveling the world or “flagging and bagging” (worshiping while fishing in the pacific ocean)… nothing is too big or too crazy for my Daddy. He delights in my child-like faith, He delights in my giddy response to his “coincidences” and He loves when we know that we’re children and that is as it should be.

Written this morning:

Sunlight beaming in my window, I am smiling at all I’m seeing about Jesus today. He daily changes the way I see. Today, I’m loving the view. As I sit in this morning light, I hear the quiet love that whispers, “I’ll stay”. I recall the days in which the excitement was gone and there were no adventures on the horizon, and precious was the love that said as I was falling asleep, “I will still be here in the morning.” He finds me when I am dreaming and sits waiting for me to wake. Never am I out of his reach. I never have to question His commitment to me. There is never a day in which I will awake to find a note next to me that says goodbye. I will never walk through an empty house wondering where He’s gone and if He will return. No meal will be spent alone. Never will I stare at an empty chair before me. I am continually reminded in moments that outwardly appear to be solitary, that I am far from being alone. It’s moments like these when I can almost hear breathing and an audible heartbeat. When I invited him in, I knew He said He’d stay, but I wasn’t sure that I believed Him. Yet now, years later I find that He is still here. Not looking uncomfortable or as if he is ready to move on, He is happily residing here, with no intentions to ever do anything else. I am reminded that it was not my hospitable actions nor my quirky charm that convinced him to come and stay, but rather a choice entirely His own. I did not manipulate him into this arrangement, nor did I have to beg. It was all His idea, not mine in the least.

It’s a love story I learn more about every day. There are some days when He is in a different room, doing something new that I start to panic for just a moment. Did he leave? But if I stop, just for a second, open my ears in the silence, I can still hear Him. Joyfully working, I peek in to find him creating a new piece to add to this place in which He’s made His home. I find that He continues to surprise me. Never doing the same thing, but always remaining. I am continually surprised by the newness I find in each day. The passing days never look the same and yet there is a comforting consistency to them. He has made this place His home and although we’re adding and changing, He has hung his coat in a movement of finality. There is nowhere else to go. I hear those thoughts that tell me I must be a good hostess, I must serve him well or he will not stay. And yet, there’s a continued assurance from Him that even if I were the “best of the best” it would not influence His decision in the least. He would stay either way. Yet, I long to do it well, not because His decision is dependent on me, but because He is so deserving of all that I have. He has made His home with me and I am so undeserving and yet, He makes me feel as if I am the most precious thing He owns. Knowing there’s nothing I can do or fail to do that will change it all, I want to make it the most joyful experience possible. I do not want to spend the moments fighting, complaining or telling Him how I think things should look. I want to find myself watching him in awe, bringing everything I have to Him and making Him laugh in the process. I want the days to be full of endless dancing, laughing, singing and bursts of excitement. I want Him to know the joy I see when I watch Him at work. I want Him to know how fascinated I am by His ability to take the old and make it new. I want Him to see the relief I feel when I see how He is not affected or surprised by the things that need repair. He is ecstatic to fix them and watch my face light up as He makes something beautiful from something tragic.

Today, I am peaceful and yet stirred by all that He is and How he has chosen to stay with me through it all. Never having missed one moment, I can’t imagine why He’d want to do it all again today…tomorrow and for all of eternity. But He does. He is good and He is beyond what my mind can wrap around and today, I am thankful to sit with him as I watch him work. May the coming days be even more beautiful than the former and may I always wake up in awe and gratitude that He will always do as He says and He will always be who He promised.

Forgive my absence. It’s not that I don’t think about this blog often, I just haven’t had much to say lately. Today, that changes. Here’s a peek at my life and what God is doing.

Never before has a week held more clarity and yet been filled with things I can’t even begin to understand. I am learning that God is a full circle kind of guy. I’m amazed at how every little thing intertwines and I find myself in the midst of this beautiful web of glory and mystery. Whether it is hours spent in preparation for things to come, a life giving conversation, dreams restored, hair-spraying chalk signs in preparation for an exciting event or a moment of silence as I stare at a cloudless sunset; I sit in awe. I’m seeing that this is a season of harvest and also one of planting. While I am gathering the fruit of some long awaited things, I am also seeing that it’s time to replace and re-plant. I love that. I love the beauty that comes with growing and dreaming up new things. God loves it when we are willing to get our hands dirty in the Kingdom’s garden. My favorite days as a child were the spring ones when I would come home from school and Mom and Dad would be sitting on the porch surrounded by plants and seeds. As they let me plant them in the ground and stood back and watched proudly, I could not shake the joy that penetrated even the deepest parts of me. I waited anxiously to see all that they would grow to be. Every year, I was rendered breathless at the sight before me. From my very hands came something beyond what I was capable to create. It’s beautiful when God lets us cultivate something bigger than ourselves. How he beams with pride as we place his masterpieces in the ground and wait for them to come to life. I laugh because I realize at the impossibility of it all and yet, that’s what enchants me the most. The moments when I see my weakness and I watch him step in with His glory! I can cultivate something from a seed, but HE created the seed. He produced something from nothing. He took impossible to possible and through it I can birth something life giving. It’s a beautiful, messy, incredibly inspiring process.

 

As I wait to taste of this harvest season, I anxiously await the opportunity to place more things in the ground. Sowing is an exhausting process, one of sweat and tears. But now, being reminded of what it produces and holding it in my hands, I am grateful for the process. His timing is perfect, producing the best and most ripe harvest. Never too early and not once late, He always pulls things up at just the right time when their taste is most invigorating. Just at the right time– as we begin to see our barns and barrels empty out, we see him come in from the fields. We breathe a sigh of relief as he informs us with His enthused smile that the harvest has once again arrived. Never having run out, we find ourselves surprised and yet comfortingly confirmed that He is who He has always said He is. He is the God who provides and withholds no good thing. He is beyond what we hoped for and He has come through in ways we couldn’t see in former seasons. He is the God of the harvest, the God of the planting and the God who loves process. And it is all good. He is all good.

If I had to describe my day in two words it would be: mostly silent. I spent several hours painting today. Now, I’m not going to lie, I paint like a four year old. And I’m not being humble. I really sincerely cannot draw or paint to save my life, but I continue to do it because it brings me this unbelievable amount of joy. I never finish and think “Oh, this is impressive.” If anything, I think “Oh gosh, how did I pass first grade?” Then I remember it was because my best friend helped me color in green puppy dogs because it took me until I was about fifteen to learn to color “in the lines”. I’m still the worlds worst colorer. None the less, whenever I finish a project I am always pleased and always think “time well spent”, even if it is the ugliest thing on earth (and normally it is pretty close).

So today, after hours and hours of painting, I decided to combine two things in one. These paintings and my mad skills (they’re not all that mad, but they’re decent) of photoshop. This creation was inspired by one of my new favorite things, The Hunger Games. There’s a quote in the book that just immediately stole my heart as soon as I read it. Although it’s about the main characters dad, it makes me think of God. It makes me think of his majesty and beauty. It makes me think of how creation is often rampaged by his glory and beauty.

So, here it is..one of the final products. I laugh because the actual painting is sincerely the saddest looking thing you’ve ever seen.. but I still enjoyed my time with Jesus today. It’s fun just to get splattered with color and meditate on his beauty.